The Road Less Traveled: My Childfree Choice
“Geez, you don’t want kids.. Why?!?”
As a 36-year old married, Indian female, I’m often annoyed by this one question or its variants. Culturally, Indians are known to be a very tight-knit community. Unlike the American culture, where asking personal questions is considered rude, it is not the same for many Asian cultures and ethnic groups. Many assume that they can rightfully infiltrate anyone’s private space by bombarding with this very personal and sensitive question. Go figure!!
This question on why we chose to be a childfree couple first started popping up when my husband and I had been married only for a few months; strangely, it hasn’t stopped since. My husband was always very clear that he did not want to have children. Ever. I was on the fence then and postponed the heroic decision in the hope that perhaps with time, I would feel ready for motherhood. Someday.. right?! That was my escape then.. It’s been eight years since and even today, no maternal instinct has developed in me! In fact, I’m more sure today than ever that parenthood isn’t for me.
Sadly, there is a lot of social judgment and taboo associated with this non-traditional choice, even in 2020. What is interesting is that this judgmental social play is unbiased of cultural preferences. I see the childfree choice as forbidden in the western world as much as it is in India or the rest of eastern cultures. Here are some stories from all over the West.
With this blog today, I wish to share my unfiltered thoughts and feelings on my childfree choice and also hope to raise awareness around the topic and change mindsets. Before we delve deeper into the subject, let’s make sure the difference between childless and childfree is clear.
Childfree is a term that refers to individuals who’ve made a conscious choice to not have children. Childless, on the other hand, is a term referred to individuals who want children but are unable to, whether owing to infertility, loss of an existing child, or other life circumstances. It is very important to understand this distinction and ensure we don’t confuse a childfree individual/couple with childless ones, as the two are clearly different concepts and the sensitivities are different.
Unfortunately, many of our social learnings are derived from stereotypical gender roles where “caregiving” or “motherhood” labels are often seen as markers of successful adult life, especially for women. Those who decide against it are more likely to be viewed unfavorably and as having low moral acumen. While we are on this topic, let me also bust some myths related to childfree women, who are often perceived as not loving, caring, affectionate, or empathetic. In fact, they are often considered selfish. Why? Because they went ahead with individual choices like greater (career) opportunity, personal freedom, independence, and self-fulfillment for themselves.
Here are some additional facts and figures around childfree choices:
- Motivations for a childfree living may vary to include macro factors, like better contraception, greater divorce rates/more single-women, and increased participation of women in the workforce.
- Research suggests that childfree choices are correlated with independence, low religious inclination, and more liberal personality characteristics.
- Findings support that ecological concerns and climate change are legit factors impacting people’s decisions against having children. (About one-third Americans in the childbearing age prefer to have fewer children, especially given the disillusionment caused by pandemic).
- There is growing evidence that suggests that the number of women who are voluntarily childless is on an increase.
- Statistics show that childfree women are happier, (more than their male counterparts)!
Now that we’ve learned quite a bit about childfree couples, let’s also take a quick look at what drives the need for having children (in most cases):
- Biological instinct for procreation.
- Survival instinct or the desire to continue the family genes over generations.
- Love for babies and children. No doubt that little people are adorable and very fun to be around!
- Checklist mentality: It’s one of the things you do in life, right? Might as well get it over with. And the sooner, the better!
- Social pressure: Family has been pestering for kids, so let’s just do it.
- Lack of appropriate contraception.
Given this comparison, does it seem fair that women be judged or questioned for a choice about their own life that they’re making so responsibly? With such convincing data that clearly suggests the benefits of not having children(for those who don’t have a desire for it) surpass the disadvantages, is this bias reasonable? What do you think?
As I summarize my reflections, I want to reiterate that kids are absolutely amazing! Personally, I don’t know of a single parent who (even when they weren’t ready for parenthood) hasn’t found the parenting experience as the most beautiful and unconditional form of loving. More often than not, little humans are delightful and usually entertaining, offering opportunities for pure joy, surprises, and avenues for happiness within the family units. That said, it is not for everybody! As much as I love spending time with my niece and nephew over weekends, I am grateful for the choice to return to my childfree reality after a weekend full of fun with kids. Some of us (childfree) individuals are just born different. Unlike most people, we just have a different point of view on this topic and somehow, motherhood is not our calling! Period.
